It Wasn’t a Healthy Relationship. . .But Abusive?

“You understand that what your telling me indicates that this was an abusive relationship, right?”

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I sat there, running that word over and over in my mind. I didn’t quite know what to make of what my therapist had just told me.

Abusive? Really. . ?

I knew my ex-boyfriend could be a real Class A Jerk sometimes but the fact that he could have been considered abusive had never crossed my mind.

As my therapist sat there patiently waiting for me to process what he had just told me, my mind raced through all the  reasons I was even sitting in this over sized sofa chair, pouring my deepest darkest secrets to a man I had just met.

It had been about 5 years since I had gotten out of what I had deemed an “unhealthy relationship” and I had been married 3 years to an incredible man who treated me like a queen. And yet, for some reason unbeknownst to me, what was supposed to be my happily ever after with this incredible man of mine. . .wasn’t turning out so happy.

My husband and I weren’t on the verge of divorce by any means but things were not great. Despite my best efforts, things from my past kept bubbling up. It was becoming harder and harder to just forget those two years I lived with my ex-boyfriend. My past was beginning to interfere with my day to day life in a way that I could no longer deny.

I was still having nightmares about my ex-boyfriend.

On almost a weekly basis, I would have a nightmare that I was still with my ex-boyfriend. In these nightmares, I always felt stuck. I always felt trapped and like there was no way to escape. My subconscious would launch me back into time and the feeling of hopelessness was overwhelming. All of the fear, all of the anxiety, all of the desperation was back full fledge. Of course, as soon as I would wake up and realize it was a just a nightmare I was relieved. But I always felt sick to my stomach and I would be in a funk for the rest of the day.

I didn’t understand it. I knew I was out, I knew I was safe.

So, why did I keep having these nightmares? And why did they feel so real?

I often found myself not able to put into words why I was so upset. 

Like every other couple in the world, my husband and I would have disagreements but every now and again, it was different. In fact, it usually didn’t even begin as an argument. We would just be having a conversation, or making plans on minute and the next I was feeling short tempered and taking it out on my husband.

Understandably, my husband would be baffled. In order to try and empathize and help he would ask, “Babe, what’s wrong? Why are you so upset?”

And I had nothing to tell him. Not because I was trying to withhold anything from him but because I didn’t understand it myself. I would search my mind for an answer and come up blank. It didn’t make sense, even in my own head. And I couldn’t explain my reactions or why I felt that way.

It wasn’t logical, it wasn’t reasonable but it consumed me nonetheless.

My husband would ask again, “Please, just help me understand. Just tell me what you’re thinking.”

All very reasonable requests but the more he would ask the more upset I would get. My husband heard these words come out of my mouth more than I’d like to admit: “I don’t know! I didn’t know the first time you asked and just because you keep asking doesn’t mean I’m magically going to have an answer! I don’t know!”

Yikes. My poor husband.

It wasn’t fair to either of us but I didn’t understand what’s going on inside my head anymore than he did and it was infuriating. I felt like I had no control over my emotions.

I felt like a crazy person.

These heated “conversations” never ended well because there were never any answers for either side. Both my husband and I were left feeling lost and hurt, neither of us understanding what had just happened.

Anything that reminded me of him made my stomach drop. 

It didn’t matter what it was. I hated driving past the place he worked while I was dating him, I hated going into the grocery story where he used to do all of his shopping. I couldn’t listen to certain songs or bands. The hardest one was going past the place he would take me to have sex in the back of the car during his lunch break. Or anytime I would see someone who looked even the tiniest bit like him. . .

Anytime these, amongst a many number of things, happened my stomach would drop, my chest tightened, and my face would get hot and flushed. Everything else around me would disappear and all I could focus on was that one trigger.

I never had any desire to be intimate with my husband, but more than that, just the thought of being intimate gave me anxiety.

The biggest problem I faced was my sex life. In fact, this was the main reason I had finally worked up the courage to set up an appointment with this therapist. My sex life was on the rocks and as much as I hated to admit it, it was really taking a toll on my marriage.

I was now married to the most amazing man on earth who had never hurt me and yet I couldn’t help but tense up anytime he kissed me or lovingly touched me because I was terrified of where it could possibly lead.

I never wanted sex but I always gave it because I felt guilty saying no.

I hated foreplay, I would have rather just gotten it over with.

Sex was not about love or connection, it was about taking care of your man.

Sex was a must, not a choice.

I never wanted to try anything new because I didn’t feel like I could say no or stop once it started.

My Breaking Point

All of these things were happening more and more regularly. It was like the longer and harder I tried to push these memories down and pretend they weren’t there, the more I would explode when the pressure became too much.

As much as I wanted to leave it all in the past, it was becoming more and more clear that it was going to come up one way or another. Looking back on it, I was clearly not okay but that’s not what got me to make the call to schedule my first appointment with this therapist.

I called because my marriage was suffering. My husband had done everything he could to be patient and understanding but, truthfully, it wasn’t fair of me to ask that of him anymore.

He deserved answers as much as I did.

That’s why I was sitting in this chair digging up the past I had worked so hard to bury. That’s why I had made the call. I was done letting my crappy relationship in my past have a negative affect on my incredible marriage. I was done letting him still have power over me.

I took the power back by giving my demons a name. By coming to learn and understand what I had been through instead of just hating and blaming myself for it.

This has made all the difference for me.

Defining Abuse

For the longest time I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship because my own personal definition of abuse was so skewed. I had no idea that abuse could be anything else but physical and I know I’m not the only one.

For this reason, I want to share the definition of abuse found on The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

“Domestic violence (also called intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.”

They go on to say, “Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of domestic violence/abuse can be occurring at any one time within the same intimate relationship.”

Like I said before, I was never physically harmed. He never hit me, he never beat me but this definition clearly states that that’s not all that’s involved in abusive relationships. In fact, physical harm is just one of nine different behaviors listed.

If you’ll allow, I’d like to share with you a few paragraphs I have pulled from a few of my journal entries in the two years I was with my abusive boyfriend.

When I wrote these journal entries 7.5 years ago, I didn’t have anyone in my life who knew what was really going on behind closed doors so writing became my outlet. When I wrote these, I had no intention of ever sharing them with anyone but I choose to share them now because they do a great job of showing the pain and torment that can be inflicted on someone without ever laying a finger on them.

Please be warned that they may be triggering so please proceed with caution.

*Names have been edited out for the sake of privacy.

October 2010

“He kinda makes me sad a lot too. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose but sometimes I don’t think he even knows he’s hurting me. Sometimes I think he does but he doesn’t care. It really bothers me cause I feel like he is always trying to make me feel bad. Even when he’s the one who hurts me, he always finds away to make me feel bad for him and make it so I’m the one who is comforting him. Sometimes he makes me feel really stupid and like I don’t know anything.”

October 12, 2010

“I’m not gonna lie, I really am worried about what he is doing right now. I’m worried he’s out getting drunk and doing who knows what with who knows who. He says he will never cheat on me, and I believe him most of the time. I just don’t believe it when he’s mad at me. I almost feel like he’s just going to go out with some other girl and do stuff with her kind of just to spite me and show me that he can get any girl he wants. . .

I really don’t understand him. Just this morning he sent me a text that said, “Some days I just want to marry you so bad!!! Today is one of those days. I LOVE you Robyn.”. . .

I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid this will never end. I’m so afraid that he’s going to keep on hurting me like this.”

October 21, 2010 – Thursday

“To tell you the honest and complete truth. . .for the first time in my whole entire life I just barely considered actually cutting my wrists. . .I don’t know if I really believe that it will make me feel any better but I think I probably thought about it because I want to get his attention. Is that not the stupidest thing ever? I just thought about how if he came home and my wrists were all bloody then he would hold me and make me feel better. At least that’s what I hope would happen. The sad part is that I don’t even know if he would do that. When he’s mad I feel like he doesn’t give a crap how I feel, he only cares that he’s mad. I was almost so excited cause we had almost gone THE WHOLE WEEK without any incidences where he was mad at me. So much for that. What should I do? I just sent him a text that said baby please come home 🙁 I am pathetic. I would do almost anything to make it so he’s not mad at me anymore. It doesn’t matter if I feel like he’s mad at me for no good reason, like tonight. Either way, I always find myself begging for his forgiveness. I can honestly say this is the first time I have ever felt like I was whipped. And no, not a cute funny way. In a way that he can manipulate my feelings and make me do and say things that I wouldn’t usually.”

June 24, 2011

“It’s been a while since I’ve last written and boy oh boy do I have a lot to catch you up on. I’ve been needing to do this for a while now but not necessarily because I feel like I have to catch up on everything that has been going on. The main reason is because I just need someone to talk to. Someone to express my frustrations to and sadly enough. . .a computer is all I have. I have no friends to just vent to, especially when it comes to me and (him). Actually, to tell you the honest truth, I don’t feel like I have any friends at all. . .

I can’t even tell you how many nights I lie awake for hours crying and stressing about things I’m afraid he has lied to me about. He says that he will tell me everything when we get married. . .another statement that scares me quite a bit. . .

I really just feel like he isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. He’s not willing to stop flirting with and texting other girls even though he knows it upsets me. .

It makes me feel like he’s unsatisfied with me. He says that he is just texting all of these other girls as a security device in case I ever leave him. I hate this more than anything. . .

Even if he isn’t have sex with anyone else and only flirting, etc it still makes me feel like I have competition. Am I so wrong to think that I shouldn’t have to feel that way when he is my boyfriend. I could handle feeling that way over the summer when we were both dating different people but I can’t stand feeling like there is constant competition. He says that it should just make me want to work harder for him, but quite frankly it just pisses me off. Nothing makes me more upset than when I feel like (he) is just flauting himself at other women. Is it really that unexpected for a girlfriend to get upset when her boyfriend is handing out his number to other girls when she is living with him???

Sometimes I’m convinced that I’ve been so messed up that I need a therapist or a counsler to help me figure my thoughts and my life out. I feel like I need someone to tell me that I’m not crazy, that I have good reason for being scared all the time. That I have good reason for constantly wanting to check my boyfriends phone, that I have good reason for crying and being so emotional all the time, that I have good reason for being crazy. . .

The only thing is that I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to start trusting (him) again when I have such a hard time believing a thing he says. I don’t know how to stop obsessing over him flirting and texting other girls. I wish I could just ask him to stop texting other girls but even if he really did stop, I probably wouldn’t believe him.

Recognizing my past relationship for what it was has saved my life. Not because I had thought about ending it but because it has allowed me to truly live. I had no idea the fog I was living in until it began to clear.

The abuse in my past had altered my ability to be intimate, my ability to communicate, and my ability to control my emotions. I was not okay.

Next to ending things with my abusive ex-boyfriend, beginning to see a therapist and finally facing my demons head on has been the hardest and bravest thing I’ve ever done and it has been life changing.

My life still isn’t perfect, nor will it ever be, but my past no longer controls my present. I’m learning how to process what happened to me instead of ignoring it and for the first time in over 7 years, I feel free. I feel like the chains are finally being lifted and I’m free to fly.

It’s an incredible feeling. I invite you to join me.

Much Love,

Robyn

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