The Self Hate That Comes From Abuse

After it was over, I felt so awful that I curled up into the fetal position. My body shook as I sobbed uncontrollably. I felt empty. I felt like everything I had ever cared about had just been ripped from me. I hated myself for letting this happen to me. I hated myself for not standing up to him, for not having the courage to push him off of me and walk out.

I left his apartment that night feeling. . .I don’t even know how to put it into words. Lost, confused, broken. . . I felt so conflicted because the man I was in love with, and who claimed to love me, had just coerced and manipulated me into having sex with him. It didn’t matter that I told him I wasn’t ready. It didn’t matter that it was important to me to wait until marriage. All that mattered was what he wanted. My 18 year old self didn’t know how to handle what had just happened.

That was just the beginning for me. Little did I know then that I would spend the next 8 years hating myself for that one event and everything that followed for the next two years. That was the day that set me up for more hurt and pain than I could have ever imagined. And I only had myself to blame. How could I be so stupid?

I Wasn’t Stupid, I Was Manipulated

For so long, I hated myself and felt like such a fool for not having the courage to just get out of that bed and leave. I was so afraid of hurting his feelings and so eager to please that I let him take advantage of me. I didn’t know it then, but that night was when the emotional and sexual abuse began. Now I recognize that the things that I have been beating myself up about for years all happened because he knew exactly how to use my weaknesses and my strengths to his advantage.

What do I mean by this? Let me explain.

My weaknesses: I was young. I was very insecure. I was gullible. I didn’t love myself and therefore I needed someone else’s love and acceptance to feel whole and complete.

He saw this in me and knew exactly what to do. He manipulated my insecurities by becoming the man I had always hoped for but feared I would never deserve. He was good to me at first. In fact, he was more than good to me. He was out of this world amazing. He had so much life in him and was so fun to be around. He thought the world of me and was constantly telling me how beautiful I was and how unbelievably happy I made him. He made me feel like he was the only one in the world who truly understood me or cared about me. He was perfect in every way possible. As laughable as it is now, I remember literally thinking that I had found my own Edward Cullen. He was so perfect and could have any girl in the world and yet he chose me. I couldn’t believe I got so lucky.

My strengths: I am quick to forgive. I am very empathetic. I am very trusting. I always put others needs before my own. I avoid contention at all costs. I am completely and wholly devoted to those that I love.

He used everyone of these strengths to his advantage. No matter how many times he cheated on me, I always forgave him. No matter how many times I caught him in a lie, I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. I would excuse any horrible thing he did because he always played the victim. No matter how poorly he treated me, I protected him fiercely. My best qualities were warped into my own destruction and he was able to do it without the blink of an eye.

The fact of the matter is that everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses. Just like me. It takes a special kind of evil to go out of your way to make ones mind their own enemy. I wasn’t stupid, he just knew exactly what to do and what to say to make me question my own sanity. His greatest weapon was my mind. He never hit me. He never threatened to take my life. Instead, he tormented me with my own thoughts. I can’t even tell you how many nights I spent agonizing, worrying, over thinking, hurting. . .I legitimately felt like a crazy person. I questioned my own sanity the whole time I was with him and never once did I question his. That my friends, is emotional abuse.

I wasn’t stupid, I was manipulated.

I Wasn’t Stupid, I Was Learning.

I know that for me personally, one of my biggest struggles with the toxic relationship in my past was feeling so stupid for what I put myself through. For so long I thought what I went through was because I made poor choices. I made stupid choices, put myself in that position, and therefore “got what I deserved”. Sounds pretty harsh but it’s exactly what I saw as the truth. It felt undeniable. It wasn’t until my therapist said this to me that I began to see the truth:

“You were doing the best you could with what you could. And yes you could have made better choices. . .except you couldn’t. Not yet. You didn’t have the knowledge you needed at that point in your life to make your choices any differently. If you did, you would have made different choices.”

When she said that, it rang true in my heart but my mind was still fighting it. I was resisting accepting this as truth. It felt too easy. Heaven forbid I should let myself off that easy, right??

And then something incredibly simple happened in my life that helped me see myself through a new lens.

My one year old daughter took her first steps.

She only took two or three before she tripped over her bottle and fell. This only happened a few days ago but my mind has been running that moment over and over in my mind ever since.

She fell. She tripped. She didn’t know.

She fell because she didn’t know what to watch out for. Just like I didn’t know what to watch our for in a relationship. Just like she didn’t have an alarm going off in her head telling her to watch out for the bottle, I didn’t have one in my head telling me that I needed to watch out for people who might take advantage of me. Tripping wasn’t on her radar, being manipulated wasn’t on mine. So we both fell. We both tripped up.

We were both learning. Neither of us had life experience to direct us.

“But Robyn,” you might say, “this is different. I made poor choices, I have no one to blame but myself.”

Yes, you did. And guess what? You’re human and therefore imperfect. Just like me and just like everyone else on this planet. We are human and therefore we all make mistakes, we all make poor choices. Unfortunately, you were manipulated into making poor choices over and over again. A very toxic man manipulated your every thought and action to get you to do things you had once considered unthinkable. To get you to do his will and get you to live your life for him. That’s on him. Not you.

It’s helped me so much to recognize that yes, I made mistakes and yes, I made foolish choices. But literally everyone on this planet does and somehow not everyone on this planet ends up in abusive relationships. So what does that tell us? Mistakes = human, mistakes ≠ abuse. It’s not because of your foolish choices you ended up in an abusive relationship. It’s because a terrible person saw the good in you and took advantage of it. 

I have learned A LOT because of those two years but I only learned it because I lived it. There is literally no way I could have known what was coming beforehand. I would never choose what I’ve been through but in some ways, I’m grateful for it. I wouldn’t be the strong, resilient fighter I am today if I hadn’t been through it and neither would you. And guess what. You did learn. You eventually did figure out that you didn’t deserve the way you were being treated and when you DID figure that out, you left. So if anything, be proud of yourself. You’re incredible. You’re intelligent. You’re brave. You have been through hell and back and you’re still standing.

It’s time to stop being ashamed of your inexperienced self. It’s time to stop hating her for what she put you through. Stop being ashamed of her choices and blaming her for all the pain. She was just hurting and wanted nothing more than to be loved and accepted. Allow yourself to remember the girl who was scared and alone and was doing everything in her power just to survive. Be grateful that she never gave up. You know how easy it would have been to just shrink back and stop fighting for herself but she didn’t! She took the harder route. She took the road less traveled so be proud of her for finding the courage to get out! She is a warrior and she deserves a little love. After all, to be loved and accepted is all she ever wanted so please, please stop withholding it from her.

She deserves it more than most.

Much Love,

Robyn