“If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow.” – Unknown
I have literally lived this. For so many years, anytime I thought about the abuse in my past I just felt hurt and angry. And let’s be honest, I had every right to. The problem was that doing so was preventing me from moving forward and creating the happy, high energy life I wanted and knew I deserved.
So, I had to start looking at my past differently.
Yes, what happened was awful and undeserved and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody (okay maybe the vengeful side of me would wish it on my abuser but we won’t focus on that) but I sure as heck did learn A TON from those two years. Things I wouldn’t have learned nearly as quickly, or possibly at all, had I not faced that kind of adversity.
Here are the 4 lessons I learned from the abusive relationship in my past.
Lesson #1: I Am Worth Fighting For
When I first met my abuser, I was very much a people pleaser. I did anything and everything possible to avoid any rocking of the boat or any kind of contention.
This meant that I spent a lot of time disregarding my own wants and needs. If someone had a strong opinion about something or wanted to do something their way, I quickly and eagerly went along. Even if I didn’t agree. Even if it wasn’t what I wanted. Even if it hurt me.
I did anything to avoid an argument or a disagreement.
I truly believe that this is one of the main reasons my abuser was able to get such a strong hold of me. He saw that in me from the get go. He saw that I was eager to please and avoided contention at all costs. He took advantage of that, and let’s be honest, that sucks.
It sucks to look back on it and see, with 20/20 vision, that he was just cruel and, dare I say evil enough to exploit the peacemaker in me. To take one of my good qualities and use it against me.
BUT. . .
If he hadn’t. . .I don’t know that I would have ever figured out that my voice mattered too. And if I did, it would have taken me many many more years. I went through the refiners fire. I was under such an insane amount of pressure that I was forced to make a change much quicker than if I had just spent a life time always doing what I had always done: avoided rocking the boat.
When it’s just a bunch of little things, it’s so easy to just disregard your feelings or you wants. It’s so easy to brush it off and say to yourself, “Meh, I didn’t care about it that much” or “It wasn’t that important to me”.
But when you are made to feel stupid for getting upset that you’ve been cheated on (again) or you are constantly ridiculed for doing or saying the wrong thing, there comes a time that you reach your breaking point. And maybe for some that only takes a couple of months, but for others it may be years.
My breaking point was two years. It was two years before I couldn’t stand it any longer. I broke. But now I see that I broke in the best way possible.
It was because I had felt so silenced and disregarded for so long that I was finally able to push past the discomfort of contention and stand up for myself. Though it took me two years, I finally did figure out that what I wanted WAS IMPORTANT. What I needed DID MATTER.
I was worth fighting for. I was worth the contention!
If I hadn’t had a voice for two years, if I hadn’t been so disregarded and disrespected for such a long time, I would have continued on as I always had: Eager to please. Never standing up for myself. Never fighting for me.
Before my abusive relationship, everyones needs came before my own.
No more. I now see that my needs and my voice are just as important as anyone else’s.
And so are yours.
Lesson #2: My Mistakes Are Not The Reason I Was Abused
For years and years after getting out, I was so embarrassed and so ashamed of what had happened. Not necessarily because of the abuse but because I believed that what I had experienced and what I had been through was a direct result of the stupid choices I made.
I made poor choices, put myself in that position, and therefore “got what I deserved”. Sounds pretty harsh but it’s exactly how I felt.
Paradigme Shift
Do you know anyone who has made a mistake? Someone who has done something wrong or straight up stupid in their lifetime?
Yes? Okay. And of all those imperfect people you know, how many have ended up in an abusive relationship as a direct result of their poor choices?
All of them? Heavens no.
Granted, not a lot of people aren’t open about that kind of thing, but, by following that logic, if they’ve made mistakes then they must have been abused.
I mean, that’s what happened to you, right? If you had made better choices, if you hadn’t made those mistakes, you never would have been abused, right?
NO!
Where’s the disconnect??
I can promise you, not everyone has been in an abusive relationship BUT everyone has royally screwed up at some time in their life, if not time after time after time!
Yes, I made mistakes and yes, I made foolish choices. But literally everyone on this planet has and somehow not everyone on this planet ends up in an abusive relationship.
So what does that tell us? Mistakes = human. Mistakes ≠ abuse. It’s not because of your foolish choices you ended up in an abusive relationship. It’s because an abusive person used your mistakes to exploit you and take advantage of you.
The mistakes we made (and heaven knows we made them) are not the reason we were abused! I lost my virginity to a man I wasn’t married to. Do I wish now I hadn’t done that? Absolutely! But is it because of that mistake that I ended up in an abusive relationship? No.
People make mistakes every second of every day. Those mistakes do not lead to abuse. Abusive people lead to abuse, not the victims of abuse.
We always get up in arms about people “blaming the victim”. If we, the victims, can’t even see that we’re not to blame, how can anyone else?
It starts with us.
Your mistakes were not the reason you were abused. Once you believe that, then and only then, can you can start helping the rest of the world believe it too.
Lesson #3: People Are Good
I was a straight up prude in high school. Anytime I heard someone cuss or drop the F Bomb, I truly believed that because of that action alone, they were going to hell. Which is quite hilarious, too, considering only months after graduating high school, I was living with a man, drinking, and dropping plenty of F Bombs myself.
I’m far from proud of a lot of my behavior during that two year span but I’m grateful that in that time, I made a lot of friends with people who I would have condemned only months earlier. Turns out, when you drink, cuss and sleep with someone you’re not married to, you tend to gravitate towards people who live a similar lifestyle.
And guess what I learned?? People who smoke. . .they’re not bad people! *Gasp!* People who drink and have tattoos. . .they’re not bad people either! *Double Gasp*
Before I “fell off the deep end” myself, I legitimately had no idea! I was raised to believe that drugs and alcohol and swearing were all bad, awful and terrible things. I don’t recall ever being taught it directly, but I also believed that meant anyone who did those things were bad people too. Smoking is bad so if you smoke, you then, are bad too.
But guess what? Some of the most loving and kind and accepting people on this planet. . .they drink. They smoke and do drugs and swear like a sailor. And they have hearts of a saint. I fell of the deep end myself. I did all those “awful and terrible” things too and doing them didn’t turn me into a bad person. Did I make incredibly stupid choices that I regret? Also-freakin-lutely. But I was still incredibly loving and loyal and forgiving. I still had a good heart.
Bad person defined: a person who intentionally causes harm to others.
Do I believe that drinking is poor choice? Yes. Do I believe that doing drugs is poor choice? Yes. Do I believe that one should save sex for marriage? Yes.
But that’s what I believe. There are others who believe differently, AND THAT’S OKAY. We can have different beliefs and still be good people. We can make different choices than one another and still be good people. Just because someone is making choices that contradicts your beliefs, it does not mean they are a bad person!!
My abuser was a bad person. He intentionally caused me and others harm. He went out of his way to hurt others.
I could walk away from this experience believing that people are not trustworthy and horrible and all have bad intentions. . . But truthfully, in my two years with my abuser, I met dozens of good people (who I previously never would have even given a chance) and only ONE person who was a genuinely bad person.
A very big difference and a very valuable lesson.
Lesson #4: You can’t know Light Without Darkness
Here’s the thing. My husband treats me like a queen. He’s kind of the best thing in the world. He loves to spoil me, serve me and go above and beyond to make sure my needs and wants are met.
Just about every day he asks me, “What can I do to make your day better today?” Right?? Who is this man?!
I know, I know. I really scored in the husband department!
But here’s the thing: I don’t know that I would be aware of just how lucky I am unless I had been in a relationship where I was treated so poorly. Where the norm had become him cheating on me, always hitting on other girls in front of me and not answering my calls for reasons always unbeknownst to me.
Because this has been my previous experience, I’ve learned to really appreciate things that I think most women take for granted.
I feel so ecstatic and so blessed that my husband doesn’t cheat on me! I mean, WOW, what a great guy, am I right?? And when I’m crying, my wonderful husband holds me closer instead of barging out of the house and ignoring my texts and phone calls for hours on end.
Now, I’m not saying that women who have never been in abusive relationships don’t appreciate their husbands. I absolutely believe they do. But I also believe that they can’t help but take these good qualities for granted.
Just like I do with my home. Do I love the home I live in? ABSOLUTELY. Would I ever want to give it up? No way! But do I appreciate it as much as someone would who has been homeless with 2 young children for several years? There’s no way I could.
Date Night
My husband and I try to go on a date night once a week. A few months ago, we were going to hit a movie and then dinner. Well, my husband got caught up at work and ended up being late for the movie. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I was really upset and frustrated with him. I mean, it was a our date night and I felt a commitment with me should be more important than whatever it was that held him up at work.
So, when he did show up at the movie theater, I was a bit sour with him. And then he apologized, kissed me and told me that he loved me. That didn’t make my anger magically melt away (I’m pretty dang stubborn when I’m upset) but it did get me thinking.
As we were walking up the sidewalk and into the theatre, I had a pretty powerful realization.
I thought, “He makes sure date night happens every week. And when we grab dinner, he never hits on our waitress. And you know what, he _apologized_ for being late. He didn’t turn it around on me and make me feel like I had done something wrong or that it was somehow my fault that he was late. Or better yet, he validated my feelings. He didn’t make me feel guilty or like I was a bag of sh. . .(excuse my language) for being upset.”
He showed up. He apologized. And he loved me despite my poor response to his tardiness.
My anger instantly melted away. It doesn’t always happen that way (in fact, it’s usually far from!) but when I make an effort to remind myself just how good I have it in my marriage, it makes it pretty darn hard to hold a grudge against a man who tries every day to give you the world.
While I was in the thick of my abusive relationship, you can bet I would have given anything to make it all go away. And there are definitely still times when I still wish none of it had happened.
But more often than not, I am so grateful for where it has led me in my life. What it has forced me to become: a more accepting and grateful woman who knows what she’s worth.
Much Love,
Courage
Thx