Journal Entry: October 12, 2010
I really don’t know if I can take this anymore? I feel like he’s looking for any excuse to be mad at me.
Today I’m babysitting and he was going to come help me after he got home from work at 8:30 but I got a call at about 8:15 and he was pissed. I felt like it came out of nowhere. He was pissed because I apologized to (my ex boyfriend) about everything. What I don’t understand is why it’s okay for him to keep on adding his ex wife when she is always saying mean things to him and about me. He said she apologized but so did (ex boyfriend).
He then told me that he wasn’t going to come over to help me babysit, he now had different plans. He didn’t tell me what they were and I didn’t dare ask.
I really am scared of him sometimes.
I texted him and said that I loved him and he never responded. It hurts a lot. I feel like crying again.
He made me cry three times the other day. It was on Sunday and we took a trip to Ogden and then to Cabelas. He yelled at me twice because of the way I was driving. The worst part is that one of the times he yelled at me was because I didn’t see the V8 fusion on his grandma’s back porch and we had to turn around for it. He then apologized for yelling at me about something that wasn’t that big of a deal.
Not even 15 minutes later, he yelled at me again for pulling over at the wrong spot.
I can’t even go 3 days without making him mad at me about something.
Sometimes when he’s mad at me, I feel like he is scolding his child.
He told me to text him when I was done babysitting but a part of me just wants to text him and tell him I’m not coming home tonight. I would do it if I thought there was even a small chance he would say, “No Robyn, please come home.” But I know that won’t happen. If anything he’ll say, “K, I’ll stay somewhere else tonight too then.” Cause he knows I would worry and stress over where he was staying.
I’m done babysitting now but I’m scared to text him. I have a feeling I’ll text him and tell him I’m done and at home, he won’t respond and then won’t come home for a few more hours.
I’m not gonna lie, I really am worried about what he is doing right now. I’m worried he’s out getting drunk and doing who knows what with who knows who. He says he’ll never cheat on me, and I believe him most of the time. I just don’t believe it when he’s mad at me. I almost feel like he’s just going to go out with some girl and do stuff with her kind of just to spite me and show me that he can get any girl he wants.
Honestly though, if he were to ever to do something like that, I would leave him. Or I would at least try. The only thing is that I don’t know if I trust him to tell me something like that if it were to happen.
I really don’t understand him. Just this morning he sent me a text that said, “Some days I just want want to marry you so bad!!! Today is one of those days. I LOVE you Robyn.” Like an hour before he called me, we were joking about him going to a friends wedding in Vegas instead of helping me babysit.
I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid this will never end. I’m so afraid that he’s going to keep hurting me like this.
I just sent him a text saying I was done babysitting but I seriously doubt he’ll respond for a while, if at all. My guess is that he won’t even be home till midnight or later, even if I am done.
I wish I could just not care. I feel like he gets mad at me for a lot of things I really don’t even understand but every time he does, I just want to cry. He makes me feel like a bag of **CENSORED** sometimes.
What should I do?
I keep waiting for things like this to come to an end but it never does and in the back of my mind I really don’t think it will ever end. Every time something like this happens, I think he just waits for me to go crawling to him and begging for forgiveness. The worst part is that we both know it will happen.
I would wait for him to say sorry for hurting me, but one, I don’t think he even knows or cares if he’s hurt me, and two, I don’t think he’ll ever be the one to come to me apologizing first.
I wonder if that’s why he does it. So that he can see someone is in love with him enough or needs/wants him enough to do whatever it takes to keep him.
Another thing is that I know that if I were to ever leave him, he would do whatever he could to flaunt his new girlfriends and make me wish I had never left him.
I’ve learned that it’s really best that when he hurts me, to just act like I’m not hurt. Because if I do, he will get all mad and it only makes things worse. If he’s mad about something, even if I don’t understand it, I have to just go apologize, beg for forgiveness, and wait for him to not be mad at me anymore.
I don’t want you to think things are always this bad. Most nights are full of laughing, teasing, wrestling 🙂 and are just great in general. I really am in love with him so very much, I just wish stuff like this didn’t have to be a constant fear in the back of my mind. Even when things are going great, there’s always that fear that I’m going to say or do something that is going to ruin the whole night.
Well, gotta go home now. I’ll probably write some more while I’m waiting for (boyfriend) to get home but who knows. I might just go straight to bed.
When I wrote this journal entry, I was 18 years old and had been living with my 26 year old boyfriend for two months. To say I was unhappy is a serious understatement. I didn’t know it then but I was in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship. I felt stuck. I felt like it was too late for me to ever find happiness and I was only 18 years old.
Getting out of that place was really hard and scary to be quite honest. It took a long time but with immense help from family, friends, and my Savior, it happened. More on that in this post. Fast forward to September 24, 2013. Not only had I faced my fears and gotten out, but I had met the man of my dreams! The following journal entry was written at age 21 when I had been married to my husband, Brent, for just over two months.
Yesterday was a rough day for me. I was feeling super emotional and hormonal and was crying over everything. Brent and I had been sick for the past week and yesterday was the first day I was feeling well enough to get some much needed cleaning and errands done. I’m obsessed with to do lists so I had written up this giant list of things I wanted to accomplish that day, one of which was to finally get the name on my drivers license changed to Homer.
Long story short, I went to the Drivers License Division, stood in line forever, filled out paper work, got my new picture taken. . . and then I was informed one of the 700 forms/proof of identification I needed to update my DL was wrong. I brought the 1040 and apparently I needed the W2.
I don’t know why but I was so frustrated. So I ran home to find my W2 and it was no where to be found. I literally just sat down & cried in defeat. I have now been Robyn Homer for over 2 months but according to everything else (but FaceBook) I’m still Robyn NewMyer.
There are sooo many things I have to change my name on, all of which require so many other documents that prove you are who you say you are. It’s such a big hassle and it’s been sitting on my to do list for the past 2 months which absolutely drives me crazy. That and writing thank you cards. . .I really need to do that.
Anyways, I tell this story not to complain but to show how truly amazing my husband is. When I saw him, I told him how frustrated I was about the whole ordeal and he just wrapped me in his arms and told me how much he loved me.
Then later that night, we just had cuddle time. I was about to start working on the rest of my giant to do list when he got in bed and told me to just come and cuddle with him for a little bit. It helped me immensely.
Afterwords, I started working on homework while he cleaned the room, without me asking! I didn’t know husbands like that existed! I’m pretty sure I snagged the only one.
He folded & put away the laundry that had been sitting since the week before, took out the garbage, and was sure to come give me kisses every few minutes.
Despite all his sweet acts of kindness, I had yet another breakdown.
I didn’t understand how I was supposed to do the homework assignment I was working on and I was ready to be done with it. He came over, wiped the tears away, and told me that if I could get through the first half, he would wake up early with me the next morning and help me finish it before it was due.
Isn’t he incredible? And this isn’t just him on a good day. He is this sweet and selfless everyday. He truly treats me like a queen.
I never understood the meaning of that phrase until I met Brent.
I wish I could shake you by the shoulders right now!! Are you getting this?? I was in your shoes only a few short years ago! And now I am married to the most selfless and loving man I have ever met and I have two beautiful children! Â Don’t lose hope. My life still isn’t perfect but man oh man, it sure feels like it when I remember how bad it used to be. I’m happy beyond anything I could have possibly imagined 6 years ago. The man in my life now buys me flowers and jewelry because he felt like it instead of because he cheated on me. My husband holds me even tighter when I’m crying instead of walking out of room so he doesn’t have to hear it. When we argue, he sticks around to talk about it instead of storming out of the house and disappearing for hours. My husband is not perfect and neither am I, but he treats me like a queen regardless. I know you’re in a bad place right now but it doesn’t have to stay that way. There is hope for you! It’s not too late for you to be happy. You just have to make the choice. I know it takes courage but that’s okay because you are courageous!
I have so so much I want to share on this topic. My vision is to spread hope to those who are in a similar situation and make others aware of how they can help those who are hurting. Please subscribe by entering your email below and you’ll receive bonus material only shared with my subscribers and a notification each time I make a new post! No spam, I promise 🙂
Much love,
Robyn Homer